I relentlessly transform because I actually hate who I am.
I think there is an amount of unacceptance of who we are because of how we experienced our childhood. Of not being okay the way we are. Of needing to be different, of needing to learn, of needing to take over patterns of others and adults showing us how to do things.
Although within our heart and our system, we knew exactly who we were, what we could do, and which incredible capabilities we came with.
And this has been erased. It makes me really sad.
It has been transformed and overwritten, and perhaps kept as a deep source of hatred towards the being that we actually are.
That is also a survival strategy. If we just hate ourselves enough, then we don’t want to be ourselves. It’s okay that other people don’t want us to be who we are. Then we are the wrong one, and we need to change.
Becoming the person you can stay with
Within me, I have really noticed how deep this sits: that need to become the person the other person will want to be with, so that the other one can stay.
All the coaching work and healing work and transformational work has been fueled by that hatred and unacceptance of what I am in my core.
It has been really useful work. It has been an incredible source of energy, of change.
But at the same time, realising it is painful. There is such a great pool of hatred towards oneself. Or an absolute lack of love, kindness, and acceptance towards all the parts of who we are.
Loving who I have been while changing
It’s difficult to navigate, because change is necessary. Change is welcome.
Change brings us closer to who we are, because we have been misled, or we have let ourselves be misconstructed by taking over belief patterns and ways to do things from our parents, our school system, and our whole society.
And that is not who we truly are.
So we need to change.
I find it an incredible act of balance and beauty to learn to love every little piece of me and, at the same time, see how that needs to change.
To love my history. To love who I have been, and all those parts. And to learn how to make that change from a place of love.
This is something I’m learning.
And what’s the key?
Tenderness.
Holding myself with tenderness
Tenderness is about how we hold everything like a baby. There is such a tenderness automatically when we hold a baby.
We can train that tenderness by imagining how we hold a baby, and bring that tenderness into ourselves.
Into the water, into the way we touch someone, into the way we think of ourselves, into the way we hold a cup.
Into the way we hold our past and our future and who we are in this moment.
Tender, firm, and full of direction
At the same time, we can be firm and strong and full of determination and direction.
Where do I want to go?
What do I need to stop doing for that to be possible?
And how can I become again the person that I really am?