If I just change myself enough, I will be able to be in such a way that the other person can stay. Be with me. Live with me.
Transformation can come from a place of utter hatred towards myself. I relentlessly transform because I actually hate who I am.
I want to change the things I discover in myself. But underneath all that work is this deeply rooted lack of self-love, and the hope that if I just change myself enough, you will be able to stay.
Transformation becomes a way not to look at or deal with that lack of self-love.
It comes from such harshness. I keep transforming, but the hatred towards who I am keeps fueling the transformation.
Tenderness for all that was and is
How important it feels to actually nurture that tenderness that says: it’s okay. For everything that was. For everything that still is.
For how lost I have become in this experience, and for the huge pool of pain and sadness which I still carry, even physically, and which I still need to process.
Clear, angry, and soft
There is this adult in me that goes: fuck it all, let’s create some magic and see what we can let happen.
But that adult in me can be harsh too. Some kind of different structure, full of expectations. Where does that come from? The harshness is also a way I have lived, a way I have been with myself.
And at the same time there is tenderness for all that was and is. I didn’t know how to bring these together in me. How to step into the adult position and give this creative force room without hating myself for what has been.
I had confused responsibility with harshness. There are so many confusions like this in our systems, like being harsh to yourself means being responsible. But actually I was not being responsible, I was just being hard.
Being responsible and being tender totally go together.
Actually right now I can bring them together. And how that goes is just by training it. Nurturing that tenderness while I look at what I am doing. Taking responsibility while staying with myself.
I want to let go of the harshness and be responsible, loving and kind. Have tenderness for all that was and all that still is, and still be clear and sharp and angry and soft at the same time.